The TRUE meaning of friendship

What does friendship mean to you? For those with Aspergers/Autism it means something very different. Those with the most friends tend to be the most outgoing/social right? Aspies (a term sometimes used by those with Aspergers) will have a difficult time in life both making and maintaining friendships. It’s not that they don’t want them in fact they most likely value friendships more than their “typical” peers. If you have an aspie as a friend count your blessings and consider yourself lucky. These friendships are as true as they come. They come without judgment, without lies and most important they come with the purest form of loyalty. However, making friends is a problem for them. Without being able to fully read social cues or understand the complexity of the English language it makes for what can sometimes be a very painful process. For Josh I know he would rather spend his days playing Lego’s or video games by himself. Or you might find him cuddled up next to his best friend, as he puts it, Rusty “buddy” Jordan (the cat). Kids with Aspergers/Autism can sometimes be the perfect targets for bullies. It is extremely important that they learn early on the difference between a “toxic” friendship and a “true” friendship. Without being able to understand social cues they may not always be able to understand when someone is making fun of them or even using them. We have had to deal with this early on with Josh and I am hopeful that he is learning to understand the difference. There was an incident in the third grade when another child wanted something of his. It was something of great importance to him, an R2D2 Lego figure. If you know Josh you know that his Lego’s mean the WORLD to him! This child told Josh that if he didn’t give it to him he would tell the principal and that Josh would get into a lot of trouble! That afternoon I found him in the playroom curled up in the fetal position crying his eyes out. I didn’t know what was wrong. Was he in physical pain? It took the entire afternoon to get it out of him because he didn’t want to get his “friend” in trouble. I will never forget the look on his face when he told me he had no choice but to give it to him. When he finally calmed down I sat him down to have a talk about how friends should treat one another. I also thought that it was important for him to know what had just happened was, at least to me, a form of bullying. If anyone threatens you in any way, shape or form they are not trying to be your friend but rather they are taking advantage of you. Now you may think I am overreacting but the year before there had been another incident with the same boy on the playground at school. Apparently this other boy had an ongoing feud with another student and decided to get Josh involved as his accomplice. Well this was Josh’s introduction to “a visit” in the vice principals office. He didn’t like it very much and was terrified of getting into trouble. I don’t think he’ll be back anytime soon, I hope!

Early on Josh always gravitated toward the more rambunctious kids. From the story above you can see that didn’t always work out too well. However, there are a few kids who do accept him and probably don’t see any “differences” in him either. These are the kids who have always, since pre-school, reached out to him. They tend to make the first move to get Josh involved in playing. I have even caught them looking behind to see if Josh is keeping up with them. If not they’ll call his name and pull him back in. One of Josh’s teachers told me of a day when Josh was at the back of the line and a “true” friend yelled back to him, “Don’t worry Josh you’re still my best friend”. Great Kids! There have been days though when Josh has come home sad because no one played with him that day. Sometimes he might just follow a kid around expecting them to understand without words what he wants. He is still learning how to approach and ask if he can join in. It’s not that the other kids don’t want him to play; it’s that they don’t know he wants to play. He’s getting there though…

I’m trying to keep it short and sweet but I find myself rambling on again and losing focus! The point I am trying to make is this, through the years, especially high school, how many of us have tried to change something about ourselves to try to fit in? I know I did. I thought too it was more important to hang with the “in crowd”. I envy those with Aspergers. They know immediately who they are. I ALWAYS tell Josh it is the quality of friends not the quantity that is important. Of course it took some time for him to understand what that meant! Not everyone is going to like him or want to be friends with him. Those who do choose his friendship, no strings attached, will never wonder where they stand with him and they’ll have his loyalty for life! I wish it didn’t take me 42 years to learn that, but I guess it was going to take a very special little boy to teach it to me.

I can only imagine what my life would be like right now if I knew then what I know now. Hopefully not much would be different, but if I had “always” been myself 100 % of the time perhaps I would have been able to make and maintain more lasting “true” friendships myself. I’m learning though…   

Where It All Begins...

Okay, here I go... I’m not sure where to begin and to be honest I’m a little scared to do this. I am not a writer and after 11 ½ years I have so much to say and share. I’m not going to start with the usual “from the beginning” stories. It was the usual not meeting all of his childhood milestones. Preferred playing by himself rather than others etc. etc. etc.

Skip forward to May of 2011. After a second visit in three years to his neuropsychologist (after the first he was diagnosed with PDD NOS) we received the current diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome. For those of you who don’t know, Asperger’s Syndrome is an Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) that is characterized by significant difficulties in social interactions alongside restricted and repetitive patterns of interest and behaviors. Also, many have a lot of sensory issues as well. Josh is extremely sensitive to smells, tastes and touch. He tends to eat the same things every day and yes he can tell if you switch brands! However, he has an extremely high tolerance for pain. If he says something hurts we pay close attention!!! He also sticks to the same routines every day and likes to follow a certain schedule. He has come home filthy from head to toe but refusing to take a shower because “he doesn’t shower on Fridays”. Transitions are difficult for him. If there is going to be a major change in his routine we warn him ahead of time. The same is done at school. The TOUGHEST thing for my Josh is his restricted areas of interest. If you want to see an 11 ½ year old fall apart, just move his 'stuff'! It’s not a pretty sight and the meltdown can last… Lucky for the public at large he chooses to have these mostly at home.

Although he struggles socially he is very well like by his classmates. It may often look as though he is playing with them when in fact he is playing alongside of them. Yes, there is a difference! I have been told, and have also seen for myself, that he prefers to play with the younger kids who he can relate better socially to. When you first meet him you don’t notice anything but a polite and extremely well mannered young man (I wish I could take credit for all of that but). Spend the day with him and you’ll soon realize he has some differences.

Most of us think before we speak (at least we have the ability to do so). People with Aspergers don't do this. There are no filters in their minds so watch out you may be surprised at what comes your way. I now have to learn to live with Josh in a literal world. That’s not easy when the world is full of sarcasm, slang and irony. I must admit it’s hard to get mad at a kid who can insult you and apologize in the same breath. Here’s an example, out of the blue one day last year Josh said to me “Mrs. Jansen is prettier than you mommy. I’m sorry I’m not trying to hurt your feelings but I just had to tell the truth.” I laugh every time I remember that! I could write for days about Josh and his “truths”. He can’t help but be honest. If he does tell a lie you can count on him ratting himself out at some point. It could very possibly be at 3:00 a.m. (that’s happened).

Okay this is quickly turning into a biography on Josh and that’s not my purpose. My purpose and the purpose of this blog will be to share what I have learned through Josh and his unfiltered beautiful mind. You can only imagine after all these years what I have heard and learned from this child. He makes me stop and rethink everything. How does someone his age hold so much wisdom? He has no idea that he has been the greatest teacher I will ever have. My father in law used to say talking to Josh was like talking to one of his older friends. Where does he come up with this stuff???

For those of you who are on facebook you know I’m constantly quoting Josh. I can’t help it. He’s so damn funny while being extremely serious.   I always here are you writing this down or keeping a journal, and I wasn’t. Now I am and I have realized there a lot of lessons to be learned from Josh and all kids on the autism spectrum. In the weeks to come my hope is to continue writing about what I have learned from my very own “little professor”. He has a very unique take on most subjects.

I feel like I am leaving you without really getting started. There is one lesson though I would like to share with all of you. I have learned that individuals with Aspergers should not be thought of as having a disability but rather a different ability, and perhaps the world would be a better place if we all could try to be more like them instead of the other way around.

Thanks for taking the time to read this intro to my blog. In the upcoming weeks I hope share special lessons I have learned from an Aspergers point of view. I hope you’ll learn something too while having a few chuckles as well.

Ann