Anxiety, Fear, and Chest Pains!

When you're doubled over with severe chest pains, yet you continue to cook dinner with your left hand and Google symptoms of a heart attack with your right (true story), something needs to be done!

For years I've put everyone else's needs first...well now it's mama's turn. If I don't do it now, there may not be a later. I truly believe this to be true! For fourteen years I've done nothing but worry about JJ and his future. Then I'd tell myself, nightly, "it's all good...he'll be just fine!" I do believe that but... How good will it get? Know what I mean??? At 14, entering high school, and having them talk (ALREADY) about "what do we see him doing after graduation...", has this lady's  mind in panicked overdrive!!! And guess what happens when you hold those worries close to your heart? Yes...anxiety, fear, and NOW chest pains!

If you've read some of my previous blogs, then you already know that JJ has just graduated from the only school he's ever known. For twelve years...many of the same students, teachers, special educators, and para professionals. And many of these individuals have become dear friends of ours. Over the years I have learned to lean on them for support, guidance, and reassurance that... "It's all good...he'll be just fine." But what happens when that suddenly goes away? Well, from my personal point of view, I can tell you it feels like the rug has been pulled out from underneath my feet and I'm running with socks on, trying to keep from falling, all while the room is spinning! It won't stop...

We were comfortable... They all knew JJ and his quirky ways. And with all the autism awareness spread at the school, I felt his peers really understood and accepted him. There may not have been a lot of play dates or phone calls to get together, but he was well liked and most of all accepted for who he is!

They've all graduated and are moving on to their various high schools. Only a very small handful of those heading to the same school as JJ. Will he adjust well to a new school? Will the teachers take the time to know and, most importantly, understand him? Will he make new friends? Will he be bullied, teased, made to feel unimportant? Will he find a path he'll continue on after high school? What will he be when he grows up??? And will his former classmates want to keep in touch with him??? The unknown is frightening!!!

All these questions are making MY anxiety unbearable now... I can't focus, I'm snapping at others, and my level of patience is at an all time low! Even JJ has suggested..."You need to see a psychiatrist and start taking better care of yourself."

These worries aren't going away anytime soon. And it's going to be a long four years of high school...so I better take JJ's advice. As usual, he makes the most sense of anybody I'll ever know!

At the end of 8th grade JJ was asked to answer some questions about his experiences and what he felt about leaving, and moving on to high school. His special ed teacher e-mailed the following picture to me.

Find a quote that personally connected to you. How could you use it as you move ahead into high school?
JJ ~ "just to keep calm and carry on even in the toughest times that you are having in life."

I'm going to try my best to take this advice. In the meantime, I've taken his advice and made an appointment with the Dr.! I know now, it's impossible for me to take on all the "will he" and "what ifs" without taking better care of myself FIRST. Thanks JJ for putting it into perspective for me, once again! You may not let me publicly call you my professor anymore, but you will always be my greatest teacher!

I'm sure there will be future posts about my adventures on "the couch"...but until then, I'm going to take long walks, take deep breaths, and keep calm. Just like JJ said! Wish me luck, I'm going to need it!!!

~ Proud Aspie Mom